when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize