Quick, to the slutcave!
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
