Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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