I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
