If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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