I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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