1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
