my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
i love accidental penises.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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