were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
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