I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
