I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I forget how to act sober
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
