I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
