So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
