Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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