I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Randomize
