Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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