Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Randomize
