Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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