It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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