what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Randomize
