Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
