broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
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