were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
