You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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