My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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