I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
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