I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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