2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize