Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
