I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize