I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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