The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
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