From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize