U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Just cropdusted the office
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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