woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
