I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
