Hey man sorry I got all grabby
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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