a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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