I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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