Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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