cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
