I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Randomize
