Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Houston, we have a blender
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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