he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize