I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Randomize
