If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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