i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
