He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Randomize
