what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
