This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I could fuck to npr.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
