I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
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