So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
