Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
