I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
