the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
